An Anal Barmaid

“I know you love anal sex”. This is a true statement I could have said to a barmaid that I had never met before I asked for a pint. I bet you’re thinking that I had been looking at her arse whilst I was waiting for her to serve me and that I have an unnatural ability to determine if she has anal sex regularly simply from the circumference of her bottom. Well you’re wrong. I knew because Dan and myself were browsing groups on Facebook when we came across one that was entitled “I love anal sex”. Dan recognised one of the members as the barmaid from the pub around the corner from where he works. She had made a comment about how she tried it once with her ex-boyfriend and would like to try it again. I was in the very same pub for the first time the other day and saw her for myself.

The world in which we live is a strange one. There I was ordering drinks from someone who had never seen me before thinking “all I know about you is that you have had anal sex once with your ex-boyfriend and that you would like to try it again”. Although I couldn’t even remember her name, I almost felt compelled to say something as I felt that my knowledge of this fact brought me some sort of proximity to her. I suppose my logic of this is that knowing someone’s sexual heath history is pretty much the last thing you find out about a person after all the boring mundane stuff like their birthday and the names of their brothers and sisters. God had given me the social fast forward button. I was basically her best friend. As she shared a joke with a regular at the end of the bar I felt like shouting out to him “yeah but I bet you didn’t even know that she had anal sex with her ex-boyfriend before they broke up and she wants to try it again at some point”.

I didn’t do that. Instead I took my drinks she gave me and sat down next to my girlfriend. “That barmaid had anal sex once with her ex-boyfriend and would like to try it again” I said. “Why did she tell you that” she replied. “I don’t know” was all I could say.

Pete

AutoComplete Truths

AutoComplete is a system that remembers what you have typed in text boxes on webpages and saves them for later use. The idea is that they can save time when having to enter repeated things like email addresses and names. If you double click on an empty text box on a webpage then it will show you everything that you have entered in a box with that name in the past.

If you really want an in-depth psycho analytical review of your life then double click on the Google search box with AutoComplete on and find out what a tool you are.

Mine starts with about 12 empty records which means 12 times I have clicked the Google search button without actually typing anything in. This makes it my favourite Google search term. The following are some of the highlights of the list. Most are too boring and nerdy to list. I have tried to include my incentives for the search if remembered or calculable.

"massive titties yeah"
I can't remember why I needed to research this particular topic. I obviously needed the exact terminology, putting the term in speech marks to get an exact match.

2 girls 1 cup
A friend told me to search for this and to watch the video of the same title. I did this. You should never do this. If you know what I am talking about then you will understand. If you don't then forget I said anything.

alex the kid
Yeah, I downloaded the classic Master System game Alex the Kid and played it to take a trip down memory lane and yeah I still play it daily because it is a damn good game. For those who aren't in the know, you play a kid who has one big friggin' hand. You basically go around hitting stuff with this big hand (as you would do in real life if you had one really big hand) and then complete the level by eating rice cakes. It's basically the unofficial video game of the film Schindler's List.

Antony Worrall Thompson abused
Someone once told me that famous chef Antony Worrall Thompson had been abused as a child by three uncontected people at three different times in his childhood. This search confirmed this fact and his status as unluckiest child alive.

average penis size
After preforming this search I can tell you it's about 6" errect. I have never measured my own penis for fear it is below this figure. "Why not just do it now?" I hear you ask. Well, in your face, Dan borrowed my ruler earlier in the day and now he has gone to bed so fuck you. Anyway rulers are for drawing straight lines not measuring you penis so I probably wouldn't anyway.

cerazette pill can i take any pill in the pack
I think my girlfriend did this one. She takes about thirty pills a day at specific times so it's no wonder she has mistimed one and worried that she might die. Most of them are consumed to stop my 5" penis impregnating her (Pete W (her dad), if you are reading this then that was a joke we don't do that sort of thing, she only takes the pill for hormonal reasons).

fiddle with your penis
Can't remember ever searching for this. It was probably Dan or Chris.

hidden messages in money
There are some crazy people out there. The idea is that if you fold money up in different ways then you get hidden messages. Most revolve around 9/11 and are stupid.

i love sex
This wasn't a search, I was just informing Google about the things I like.

kitten gun
I wanted to know whether someone had invented a gun that fired kittens (safely). No, once again I would have to wait for technology to catch up with my ideas.

pete allen ladma
A bit narcissistic I know but seeing myself on Google gives me a sense of importance that I can't replicate anywhere else. I doubt my dream of just putting my name without "ladma" and being on the first page will ever come true due to the commonness of my name. Although I will achieve this a lot sooner than Dan Smith, which is the only more common name. Speaking of namesakes there is an Amercan stand up called Dan Smith who is a douche. There is also a Kris Marshall comedy actor based here in the UK. There is also a Australian paedophile called Pete Allen so Googling yourself isn't always fun and games.

sexy ladiy
What's upsetting about this is that there was no entry for "sexy lady" which means I gave up quickly, probably moving on to "massive titties yeah".

St Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves
I didn't search for this but thought the concept was funny. The chief reason know I didn't perform the search is that the user used capitalisation. Goggle searches are not case sensitive you douchebag!

Simply skimming over my search history tells me I am an inadequate sex obsessed narcissistic idiot who can’t type but likes scatology. If you currently visit a councillor or psychologist don’t bother, look through your search history instead. That will tell you quite quickly what a messed up pervert you really are. If it doesn’t then fuck you, at least I have two friends you fucking shit.

Pete

UFOs exist

I’ve just been reading the news because I like to feel informed about the world and stuff. I found this on the BBC news website:

"UFOs exist, says Japan official"

"Japan's chief government spokesman has announced that unidentified flying objects (UFOs) exist."

They actually explain the acronym, and then pretend he means aliens anyway. In other words, he's confirmed that he thinks there is such a thing as flying objects that are unidentified. Like when you look at the sky and think 'Is that a helicopter?...no, it's just a bird.' He believes in them. What a nutcase. He actually thinks that sometimes you see things and you don’t know what they are. Idiot.

They also add helpfully '[a] document revealed that Japan has not yet planned what to do should aliens arrive here.'

Interesting - a document that doesn't mention something. That could be...let's see...any document in the world. If you want to emphasise what a document doesn't do, you can stress anything you like:

"Chris's blog entry shows that he has not yet planned on how he will have sex with farm animals should he find himself on a farm."

See - the above sentence is completely true, while saying nothing of the content of what it’s based on.

I paid my TV license the other day. Just making sure that the BBC have enough money to carry on with the good work. The license mentions a lot of useful information, but it failed to mention the extent to which I'd feel anally violated every time I watch Panorama.
Chris

Please give up this seat if an elderly or disabled person needs it

But what happens when two people want the seat? One is elderly and the other is disabled? Or one is elderly with a minor disability and one is young with a serious disability. Who gets precedence? It’s a bloody minefield. Just sit upstairs at the back where only youths and able-bodied people can bother you.

Dan