My Wrongs

I took the bus home after some late night comedy. Four women got off on their own. Just I was thinking the words "Rape City" an event occurred.

Just recently I have been farting a lot. I don't know why this has started to happen but it's starting not to bother me. Whilst riding home on said bus I felt a large body or gas forming. I knew it would be a three seconder. "No worries" I thought "you've done longer without anyone knowing". I began.

This time it made a farting noise forcing me to stop after only one second. The chances of someone on the bus hearing me were about forty percent. I still have two seconds worth left though. I think to myself "I don't really care" and let the rest out audibly. This was the second time this had happened in two weeks. The chances of someone hearing are now about sixty five percent.

A man who was sat behind me got up and seated himself down further down the bus. It turned out that we was just moving to get closer to the stairs as he had a gammy leg and needed more time to get off. I don't know if he was aware of the fart.

Pete

*EDIT*
I now know that my recent spate of farting was due to being on antibiotics which kill all the bacteria in your stomach. I was unable to breakdown my food properly which led to me farting on buses and at work. I ate pro biotic yoghurt which has fixed the problem. Thank you so much for listening you fuck.

Should old acquaintance be forgot? Yes.

I expect that you probably already know about Facebook. You probably even have an account. Like me you will probably have used it to spy on and mock other people. No? Well after this you will have.

One of the major drawbacks of Facebook is that you will inevitably, at some stage, rediscover a whole load of people from your past who now wish to be ‘friends’ with you again. Chances are they will not talk to you, or try to rekindle the friendship in any way. There will be an uncomfortable and indefinite silence between you. This is because you have literally nothing to say to them, apart from “So...a bit older, huh? How’s that working out?”

This is usually fine. You both simply serve the purpose of boosting each other’s friend count. You will never say anything meaningful to each other, but that’s okay because you both look better and more popular than you really are. Win-win, surely? Why not just accept all of these people and have one big silent reunion?

WRONG. First, you will be bombarded with invitations to moronic, occasionally amusing (but mostly moronic) groups and applications. I have 37 group invitations currently pending including “Lewis Hamilton: 2008 Grand Prix Champion”, “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” and (my personal favourite) “GET THAT BASTARD IAN HUNTLEY OFF FACEBOOK”, all of which past acquaintances have thoughtfully invited me to.

I also have 57 ‘other requests’ including challenges to find out what kind of animal/film character/car I am, how good a marriage partner/kisser/gangster I would be, and a whole bunch of invites to games and other bits of crap that I have no intention of playing. In return, I would like to invite them to play my own game that I made called “How much of a fucking wanker are you?” which simply consists of them looking at my screen and counting up how many crappy requests they’ve sent me.

But all this is water under the bridge. You can ignore it quite easily. What is so much more mysterious is the need these people have to continually keep everyone informed of their thoughts and feelings, however mundane/pathetic/embarrassing, via “status updates”. If you don’t know already, these are quick bulletins that sometimes appear in your general updates feed so you can keep an eye on how everyone is doing. Some people use these sparingly, simply to announce information that they think people might be interested in. Unfortunately it is also a great platform for idiots who wish to boast, fish for compliments or sympathy, bitch, whinge and otherwise bore people with their stupid thoughts.

The below example is taken from an old school friend over the last two months. I have not made any of it up or added anything. Names have been deleted for privacy, or changed for a bit of a laugh.

[name deleted] is so happy had best wkend with my gorgeous amazing Jamie - u rock my world buby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[name deleted] is so so happy...seeing my gorgeous Jamie Fuckwit this wkend!!!!!!! be in his arms by 5pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[name deleted] is dreaming of her Jamie buby bear xxxx
[name deleted] is happy for my sis-getting married - going to be gorgeous bride!
[name deleted] worked out i dnt even know who i am yet...must do that before nething else lol but know my best friend is GYM & POOL! lol
[name deleted] is exhausted after serious exercising day, but feel GREAT!!!
[name deleted] had fabulous friday night and got gr8 wkend ahead :)
[name deleted] does infact have a pretty gr8 bf even if not everything perfect :)
[name deleted] is confused bout guys lol - 2night and my wkend going 2 be gr8 fun, really looking 4ward to it :D
[name deleted] thankful for good friends mwah to uli bear and laura bear :D
[name deleted] reunions gallore over nxt few weeks yay
[name deleted] is happy and had fab wkend - love u baby xxx
[name deleted] doesn't know what 2 do any more :(
[name deleted] had quite the day, so tired now! SEEE MY GORGEOUS MAN IN LESS THAN 2 DAYS!!!! xxxx
[name deleted] feeling fat n frumpy :(
[name deleted] is looking at my beautiful roses and realising how in love i am :D
[name deleted] has the most amazing bf ever, had beautiful roses delivered today and yummy chocs :D i love Jamie Fuckwit :D
[name deleted] is crazy inlove with Jamie Fuckwit n wants to be his angel forever
[name deleted] is amazingly happy all thanks to her darling bf
[name deleted] is so happy and is totally in love with the most amazing man ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[name deleted] says Jamie is the most amazing loving gorgeous man ever to exist - love u always xx
[name deleted] is stressed at her flaming car! applying for teaching stuff and missing a certain some1 who is incredible and gorgeous and amazingly brilliant :D
[name deleted] believes Jamie is the most amazing man she has ever met and is never letting him go :D
[name deleted] is so happy due to Jamie Fuckwit!!!! mwah!!!!!
[name deleted] is an insured driver of 1.4 206!!!!!!!
[name deleted] is unbelievably happy due to some1 amazing
[name deleted] is SOOOO happy, had best weekend ever with the gorgeous yummy Jamie - official bf ;) lol
[name deleted] is so happy that my wkend is with Jamie!!! xxxxxxxxxx
[name deleted] is so happy as some1 amazing coming home early :D he knows who he is :D
[name deleted] is so happy, had gr8 gym sesh 44 km!!! oh and hey to the most gorgeous man in world - Jamie Fuckwit
[name deleted] wants to be loved and wanted

I particularly like the last one. I suppose we all do, really. In true Facebook spirit I have sent her an invite to my new application called “How much are you loved and wanted?”

Chris

Repidophilia

Garnier, the makers of skin products, have decided on a new paedophilic marketing campaign. Click here to view their latest advert in full. There is something about repeating the term "repido" and spraying white stuff on children's bodies that makes me feel, well, just uncomfortable.


Pete

Toilet Troubles

I never usually have trouble with toilet management but recently I have slipped up twice to embarrassing effect. I was expecting company but needed a shower and a crap. I did my business, as I was bursting, but then realised that I could not flush because it would mess up the hot water. No worries. I will just put the lid down and flush after my shower. The problem was that I was in such a rush I forgot the flushing part. I was then asked by the young lady I was trying to woo why I had left my crap floating around the toilet.

The second time I was wondering what I could do with a bowl of Fruit and Fibre I was eating. The problem was that I had poured out of date milk on the usually refreshing cereal. I couldn't put it down the sink as the cereal would clog it up. I couldn't put it in the bin as I had just changed the bag and it would smell after a matter of hours. No problem, I will flush it down the toilet. If I had eaten it I would have ended up putting it in there anyway. So down it went. The flush dealt with it swiftly, or so I thought. I ended up being left with just the raisins at the bottom of the bowl. They looked like rabbit droppings through the water. I was alerted to this fact by the same visitor. I think she thinks I don't know how to use a toilet. She is right.



Pete

The Friendship Test

A good way of finding out who your best friends are is to go through you friend list on Facebook and comment on their status updates with "I don't care". If you don't have a Facebook account then you might want to think about learning how to use your keyboard.

Those people who don't reject you as a friend are what I call "keepers". Do this around once a month and you will soon get down to the core keepers. This is unless you are are one of those pricks with more than 100 friends. Come on! You don't really know that many people.


Pete

The PC Brigade

I used to be an avid PC gamer. I don't have much time to play games any more outside rare drunken sessions of The World of Warcraft with Dan. To my knowledge we are the first racist guild on WoW, only accepting a certain species of character. We thought our name of Strength Through Joy might get us in to trouble with Blizzard, the makers of the game, but since our racism is justly confined to the fictional species of the game world we are fine. Anyway, everyone knows that if you play as a Blood Elf you are a bell end.

Unfortunately not all games embrace the freedom of expression found in WoW. I was playing the "free form" game Fallout 3 a week ago and was bitterly disappointed with the world in which I found myself. The beauty of role play games is that you get to sculpt the character and world in which you live. When I played Mass Effect a number of months ago my character did no wrong and justly fought for the weak and innocent no matter the personal cost. In Fallout 3 I choose a darker path.

I generally go around killing anyone who upsets me or might have something of value on them. The beauty of the game is that you can kill anyone, even central characters, which changes what options you have in the future (a dead person won't be able to give you tasks and rewards but may have valuable items). There is a karma system that operates based on the decisions you make along the way. Even if my character cured aids, cancer and puppy death I still would not be halfway up that karma scale based on my current play.

In my pursuit of evil I picked the lock of a solder's house that I thought would have good weapons and money. I then stole everything inside of value and messed around with his furniture (there is no benefit to messing around with other peoples furniture in the game but as I already have explained I am evil this time). On investigating the last room in the house I came across something unexpected, a young child that had been adopted by the soldier. He made a shout and made a run for the door to the town. If he got out then I would have about 30 townspeople on my ass. My shotgun didn't need much aligning with the back of his head as he ran past. A child's life versus the stuff I had stolen was an easy decision to make. My shotgun rang out with the sound of child murder. To my surprise the child kept running. Another blast failed to down him. I then got out my flame thrower and cooked him for about 20 seconds. Still nothing. I then realised the situation. The makers of the game had made it impossible to kill children.

In Fallout 3 you can club in the head of a defenceless animal or murder an unarmed prostitute by beating her to death with a knuckle duster after having slept with her but you can't kill a child when he is about to snitch on you.


Pete

Wingman Dan

Dan has now given himself the position of “Pete’s Wingman”. This basically means that he is on a constant search to set me up with a lady friend. He is quickly finding out that this is a thankless and fruitless task (because of my general contempt for the opposite sex and use of terms such as “lady friend”).

Dan’s club strategy is to talk and joke with a female and then pass her off onto me to start loving. This way any awkwardness or rejection is neatly handled by Dan and gives me the opportunity to chastise him for behaving in such a way (to make it look as though I am too cool to be trying desperately to talk to women). There have been many failures with this approach that are largely down to me. However, on engaging a young lady standing close to us wearing an obviously fake fur coat, the failure was all hers.

Dan’s opening joke backfired as follows:
Dan: “I like your coat. What animal is it made from?”
Lady: “It’s fake”.
Dan: “What kind of animal is a Fake?”
Lady: “No, it’s not real”.
Dan: “ Oh right it’s from a zoo then.”
Lady: “No it’s fake”
Dan: “Yeah you said. What kind of a mammal is a Fake?”

At which point she turned around and said to her friend “I think that guy just had a go at me for wearing fur”. I then became extremely protective of my semen. If any were to escape and inseminate her then I would receive an idiot baby.

Pete

How to insult someone safely (the non sequitur insult).

When I was 19 I discovered a great way to insult people who have power over you. At the time I worked for the KC Stadium in Hull in the presidential suit (I will let you in on a secret. No president ever visited that suit, only football managers and egotistical sponsors). Every drink I served was on the house and went to major sponsors and mangers/chairpersons of the respective clubs. I think one of the reasons I was given the job of working in that bar was that I was completely ignorant of who these people were (due to my general dislike of most sports) which meant that I never asked for autographs or acted like a cock.

Anyway, of all the people I came into contact with there was one type which was the worst, the sponsors. The reason for this was that they felt the need to exercise as much of their power as possible to highlight their own importance. They would always try to mock bar staff in order to make themselves look like they were in charge and were they big man. Due to the fact that I wore glasses and looked about 12 years of age a common directive I got was “Hey Harry Potter can I have a [shit drink]”. It wasn’t long before I got really fucked off with people abusing me in such an ignorant manner. What was I to do? If I was to say “Hey fuck you cunt!” I would be fired.

My solution was this. Whatever they would mock me with (or order me to do in a cock like fashion) I would come back with something that did not correlate with what they said at all. For example, after serving a couple of drinks I may have been met with something like “I bet you have never kissed a girl”. My response would be as follows “No, not on a Tuesday”. The other two bar staff would laugh to support the non sequitur and the dickhead would be left feeling like he misunderstood an awesome joke, rightly putting him in his idiot place. He could complain to whomever he liked. Repeating what was said wouldn’t place me in the wrong. It would only make him look drunk or like he had misheard.

You don’t need the support of others around you to enforce the non sequitur insult. The fact that you think you have won and laugh at them is enough to totally fuck them off. You can’t beat someone who thinks they have won. Insults require a mutual understanding of the dialogue for there to be a just winner. If you disrupt that and assume you are the winner then you win.

I will note that you need some correlation to the insult to win. If someone says “Mate you look like a dickhead” and you respond with “Yeah but cucumbers are green” you will look like a total douche. A good response in this situation is “Yeah but at least my forehead isn’t 15 inches in circumference [you then laugh at your joke]”.

Here are a list of examples:
Insult
“Why don’t you fuck off”
Response
“I would but I don’t really want to go Costa Rica [laugh at own joke]”.

Insult
“Pete you are a complete turd”
Response
“That’s exactly what your Dad said 4 months ago [laugh at own joke]”.

Insult
“Peter, if you don’t start arriving at work on time we may need to revisit your terms of employment”
Response
“That’s what I said to my gynaecologist [laugh at own joke]”.


Pete

To Hull and Back

Here’s another review of our double bill show with the Scarlet Lights in Hull.

Hull’s Edinburgh Heroes: Double Bill

This show contrasted the routinely overstated Scarlet Lights against the routinely understated Ladma; though somehow this worked as evidenced with the show’s finale when all performers shared the stage with a rousing Chicagoesque number.

First up were Ladma, whose calmly confident delivery and squabbling had the majority of the audience in creases. The new Ladma logo and fourth member of the group material sailed very close to the wind though went down well. Ladma routinely addressed pretty much all of the taboos with a set that appealed mostly to the teenagers in the audience, and much less so to those easily offended; the content too strong for one audience member to stomach as they left halfway through.

Despite an array of deranged characters, the live comedy outshone the videos and it is in parodying themselves that could give Ladma future.

Scarlet Light’s Edinburgh show was a no-holds barred story of modern relationships, female insecurity and male indifference. The polished performance was applauded by the many Scarlet Lights fans in the audience and at times shocking for the newcomers to this group.

It seems clear that first and foremost Scarlet Lights are group of actresses, rather than comedians and although their principle characters do play to Hull-lass stereotypes, the energy and timing leads the audience to laugh when they are meant to.

The show’s finale steals the show as we see a new bride self destruct through the medium of a track borrowed from Grease 2 - the perfect closer to compliment the opening orgasmic scene.

In summary, this double bill wasn’t for the fainted hearted, wasn’t ground breaking, but it was pretty darn funny.

Reviewed by Hull Comedy

I’d like to say Hull was the first time someone walked out of our show, but sadly it’s not. A few people did walk out of the show in Edinburgh only to return a couple of minutes later having been to the toilet. Everyone else had the foresight to go to the toilet before the show. Anyway, I later learned that the woman who walked out of the show in Hull was actually a clairvoyant. It makes you wonder why she spent £6 on a ticket when she knew the show was going to be shit? Or maybe she just needed to go to the toilet? Either way she should've seen it coming.

Dan

Having a Hull of a Time

We’ve just returned from our second Hull Comedy Festival and, like last year, we thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks very much to everyone who came to the show and thanks very much to the wonderful Scarlet Lights who we performed with. They did all the leg work up in Hull and without them there wouldn’t have been a show. Big shout out also to festival director John Gilbert who helped organise our show and got us the venue for free.

It was nice to perform Ladma vs The World for the last time. It’s been great fun doing the show in Brighton, Manchester, Edinburgh and Hull but now we’re looking forward to writing new material and developing new projects. I think we’ve performed the show something like 30 times (not to mention the countless rehearsals!) so the material was becoming a bit stale and it was hard to keep the performance fresh. Anyway, we’ll leave the final words on the show to a review from Chortle, the King Dong of comedy websites. We were initially a bit disappointed with the review (particularly the criticism of some of the films) but, considering Steve Bennett sees loads of professional comics, it’s not bad for our first year of performing live. We can also use the quote “inappropriately hilarious”. I think at least half of that is true.

Dan

Show: Hull’s Edinburgh Heroes

Part of the second Hull Comedy Festival, this double bill gave friends and family the chance to see what local performers got up to during the Edinburgh Fringe – and offers the sketch teams themselves at least some exposure outside the festival hothouse.

Ladma are a confident all-male trio, introducing short films they’ve made for the internet with some traditional stage banter; while Scarlet Lights are a loud five-women troupe for whom the adjective ‘brassy’ could almost have been coined.

The gents went first, in matching black shirts and colour-coded ties: Chris, the obligatory team leader imposing his scant authority on his underlings; Dan, the dumb-but-jolly one; and Pete, the cheeky, eager, woefully naïve foil. If you’ve seen Pappy’s Fun Club, there are shades of the same characters here.

Like many such groups, their interaction is inescapably artificial, but it can lead to some good gags, especially when they flirt, faux-innocently, with hideous bad taste. Their opening skit, introducing some hilariously inappropriate new branding, is especially fine. They can’t maintain the quality, but as live performers, they’re likeable lads with some promise.

They are accomplished film-makers, too, and the bulk of their show comprises screenings of their professional-looking output. However, the content is shakier – taking easy, familiar subjects and doing little with them.

A spoof educational film introducing Southerners to their mysterious Northern cousins is clichéd and slow, only really garnering a laugh with a subtly-executed gag about needing translators. It feels like something Harry Enfield would have done a decade ago, only much better.

The mockumentary about internet porn, on the on the other hand, feels like a reject from People Like Us, complete with droll Chris Langham-style commentary. But the subject is too obvious with the supposed jokes coming simply from mentioning X-rated material.

Their Pet Hates short is much better; parodying the genre of ‘taking heads’ list programmes, it allows for a brisk list of observational one-liners which is hit-and-miss, but pacy and with a fair smattering of unexpected laughs.
All the films are well-shot and expertly edited; the Ladmas just need to bring their writing skills up to match their directorial ones.

Scarlet Lights storm on to the stage in an explosion of noise and energy, and don’t let up for an hour, from the opening fake orgasm scene that makes When Harry Met Sally look demure to the gruesome prison musical number at the end.

But a bit of light and shade wouldn’t go amiss: the relentless high volume, aggressive delivery and extravagant overacting does become wearing. To a woman, they all bring a forceful physicality to the stage, which can be impressive, but often it’s papering over some very ordinary writing.

Unlike some all-girl groups, who aim to be deliberately asexual, Scarlet Lights ensure that all their sketches are about being female. The result can be mixed – banging on, even tongue-in-cheek, about their vaginas is as cheap as blokes obsessed with their knobs, but they are also very good at capturing the insecurities and bitchiness some women fall victim to..

Their better sketches step back a bit from the brashness, and nudge towards the realisitic: the drunk girl slagging off her ‘friends’ around the table or the singleton fretting after receiving an unexpected text from an ex. This partisan audience do go for the bigger performances, but the team might be best to remember the adage that sometimes less is more.

Reviewed by Steve Bennett, Chortle

The Ladma Business Plan

HSBC rang me the other day to enquire if the Ladma business account required more credit. As the unofficial Ladma accountant I am proud to say that we have always been in the black so I refused the offer. Anyway the HSBC representative asked if expanding was in the Ladma business plan. I suddenly realised that we have never officially drawn up a buisiness plan. Making comedy was always a secondary objective when compared to making a lot of money so it's strange that we left this vital step out.

I have never drawn up a business plan before but have tried my best to put on to paper what we all have discussed is the future for Ladma and us as indivuduals working within the business.



Pete

The Toilet Inspector

My mother’s sister (hereby known as auntie or aunt) had a very important job throughout my youth. She did something that as a child I knew was very important. She was a toilet inspector.

Whenever we were on a family outing, periodically she would see a public toilet block and proclaim that this toilet in particular was a rare one that needed to be inspected immediately. I never actually questioned what exactly she was inspecting or how. As far as I was concerned the camera she took in with her completely validated her status as a toilet inspector. Why else would you take a camera into a toilet with you?

From the ages between 7 and 12 I fully believed that my aunt was a toilet inspector. It is only recently as an adult that I actually worked out the reason for the deception. My aunt had devised a very good solution to a common problem. On family trips it is perfectly acceptable for children to demand that they need to go to the toilet irrespective of when a toilet was last encountered. They need not justify themselves. An adult on the other hand has trouble even admitting in front of children that they need a piss.

My aunt had two choices. She could either stop the car that she was driving and state to all the children present that she needed a “dump” or she could state that she had just spotted a rare toilet that needed inspecting. She chose the most respectful option. An option that most people don’t know they have.

Pete

Popularity

We keep an eye on our YouTube account to make sure we don't accidentally miss the fact that we are online superstars. One thing we take note of in this endeavour is the popularity of our videos. We have noticed that our most popular videos have one thing in common. It's not the satirical style nor the production value, it's the fact that we have "rape" in the title and tags.

Our film Safe Blokes is a comedic educational guide based on premise that all men appear or are rapists. We have taken clips out of this and put them on YouTube to keep under the 10 minute limit. These are by far our most popular videos but are the least commented or favourited. This leads us to the conclusion that they are many people out there who believe that searching for "rape video" on YouTube will net them something other than a comedy short featuring three white men (and no actual rape). I don't know why someone looking to source a video of an act of rape would choose YouTube over other less regulated areas of the internet but there you go.

With this in mind we have decided to give out Safe Blokes out to schools, not as a comedy but as an actual guide in avoiding thinking about rape.

God bless you all out there.

Love

Peter

Why don’t you go take a running jump?

It is approaching two years since we made our first video “Sebastien Foucault: The Life of a Freerunner”, the success of which spurred us on to create all our other videos. If you haven’t seen it, it is a short and bafflingly ill-constructed mockumentary on the sport of ‘free-running’ and its creator Sebastien Foucan (changed to “Foucault” to emphasise the faux-philosophical tendencies behind the “sport” which is essentially just running and jumping around everywhere).

Despite being quite technically inept and completely nonsensical, “Seb Fou” (as we have taken to calling it) will always have a special place in our hearts. For better or worse, it has been hawked around the place more than any of our other films and has had the most plays on the internet. We would prefer something like “Look North!” to get the same amount of exposure, but there you go. We have had lots of nice feedback from people on the film, which has been great, but there is one audience who are quite polarised in their opinions of it: Freerunners.

Some freerunners absolutely love it. These articulate, reasonable, handsome people often leave us very nice messages and don’t mind us poking fun. However, mainly the free running community has responded by saying: ‘your all jelous twats’ and ‘watta twat get out and get a life you freaks’. They have even had the temerity to accuse people who like us of being ‘fat people who sit around doing nothing but jacking off to photo's of horses.’ Our negative feedback from freerunners hasn’t been exactly constructive. In fact, it has really only told us two things. These are:

· Freerunners are easily confused, and very easily angered.
· They are fiercely proud and defensive of their “sport”, but have trouble communicating this on account of their borderline literacy skills and inability to proofread.

If any freerunners are reading this, I implore you – please, please do not think we had originally intended to attack what you do in any way. That being said, judging from your messages, most of you do thoroughly deserve an attack of some kind. You could also do with a proofreader, a GCSE in English and less free time.

From ‘stop being a little bitch’ to ‘I hope you die...’ to ‘gay gay gay’, most of the advice was just expressing heartfelt anger at the film. Some however, were of a violent or threatening nature. ‘Gays’ or ‘bitches’ we might be, but we certainly don’t deserve to be physically beaten. What if one were to find me and go through with his wish to: “fuck u up like littal pussies yu r”? Never mind that he used two different spellings of the word ‘you’ in the same sentence, he’s angry. Even verbal abuse would be enough. I keep thinking any minute now a freerunner is going to leap from a tree branch into an upstairs window, vault over a couple chairs, roll into the hallway, slide down the banister and run out the front door shouting: “you disgrace this sport this is the best sport ever how do you dare to call that freerunning you asshole...DON’T FUCK WHT THIS SPORT!!!” As he ran down the street (probably shouting that last part) I would probably be shaking my head and thinking something like: what have I done?

My favourite ‘violent’ threat is one that stops just short of describing what he will actually do by using an ellipsis:

u r asholes sebastien is my favourite freeruner u r gelous beatches do not take the piss out of him again because i will......dont fuck with us

Sorry, you’ll what? Well obviously I’ll....erm....I’ll...look, just don’t fuck with us, okay?
So much more articulate (and fond of emoticons) are the ones that like us. These cheerful and erudite runners expressed their admiration the proper way, with a colon and a ‘D’:

lol im a freerunner but i still find this realy funny :D
he said: "Dimitri, never give your cat chocolate, it make him very sick".
omg hilarious ;D
Funniest shit on youtube! :D

There was also one comment which was quite neutral but did give some constructive feedback:

its some kinda funny but sebastien isn’t white

Thanks for that. We’ll make a note of it for next time.
Chris

So, how was Edinburgh? I want to know ALL the details...

Of course you don’t - you want a brief summary before you lose interest and navigate away. It’s alright, I’m not offended. Well we’re back from Edinburgh and, as some people may have noticed, we failed in our efforts to bring you a blog entry every day. After we realised we had an awesome show, the success went to our heads. We were suddenly far too busy rocking out and doin’ hot babes to care about writing the blog anymore*. We didn’t keep that promise. And so our blog, like some online, text-based Maddy, was unthinkingly neglected whilst we enjoyed our holiday.

Luckily for us though, it is still here and it’s simply desperate to have more entries put in it. I would like, in this one, to mention our review from Three Weeks and reprint it. We were very happy indeed to get a lovely 4 stars from them. In fact, we were so happy that we just wanted to shout it from the mountaintops! We then realised, though, that this would be an inefficient and impractical way of informing people and that a blog posting containing the review would be more appropriate. Here it is:

Ladma Vs. The World
Ladma
Get rid of that archaic 'it's free so don't expect much' attitude; this is gold, and it's lying about in a stuffy little room above a pub on the Grassmarket. This show features films (not your standard grainy shot-from-a-mobile YouTube variety, but skilfully produced television-worthy ones) and sketches with a bit of banter. I'm not one for hysterics, but the film about pet hates had me in fits, and my only criticism is that people were laughing so hard they blotted out some of the jokes. A Southerner's take on 'the North' produced some priceless mockumentary genius, while the live element of the show, featuring a scarily believable life coach sketch amongst others, is well executed. Highly recommended free comedy.
Beehive Inn, 2 - 23 Aug, 18.30pm (19.30pm), free non-ticketed, fpp 69
tw rating: 4/5

Chris
*Actually we were eating soup, playing Grand Theft Auto 2 and watching Terminator 2 but it’s basically the same.

Minute man

I recently phoned up Virgin as our Internet was down and we wanted to play World of Warcraft. I hate talking to tech support as they treat you like an idiot. I understand their problem, most of the people they will be advising won’t have a clue what they are doing. My ‘advisor’ was particularly disdainful.

After I had explained the Internet was down but he still spent 10 minutes making me unplug the router and modem and conect it all back up again. He forced me on both occasions to wait a full minute when it was unplugged. What are you supposed to do when you are waiting on the phone for a full minute with a stranger? The first ten seconds was the worst. I quickly generated some stock small talk to fill the void.

“It’s been really bad weather this summer hasn’t...” No he is in India he won’t know what the weather has been like here.

“So what’s it like being from Ind...” Actually he might be in another Asian county. I don’t want to be racist.

“I actually work in IT so I know it is your line which is at fault not my internal netwo...” No, I will sound like a cock, even though I am totally right.

“So what’s it like being brow...” That’s just racist. Why did I even think that?

In the end I just kept silent until he told me to turn it on again. When all that failed he finally looked at the local exchange and told me their network was down.


Pete

Pete's got M.E.

It’s out. Everyone now knows I've got ME. People started picking up on it a few weeks ago. I would get to work and have no energy all day. I was constantly tired and lethargic. I couldn't concentrate on my job or Ladma for more than about half an hour which has lead both to suffer.

I got ME about 2 months ago. I must say it is life changing. It first came out on the Xbox 360 in November and I heard it was good but when it came out on the PC I thought I would give it ago. I usually hate console ports and this looked bad as it is a third person shooter. It is the best game I have ever played. It is well written and has the perfect blend of action and storytelling. I play it until around 4am every night before work. Not even the World of Warcraft gets that attention. Having ME has never been better.





Pete

PS We were supposed to update the blog everyday we were in Edinburgh. We managed a pitiful 5 out of 24. Sorry.

Edinburgh Day #5 - Ladma’s best and worst fan

One problem with doing a free comedy slot at a pub is that you inevitably get inebriated audience members. This can either be a good or a bad thing. Some drunk people will laugh at anything, some fall asleep or mock you. Today it was all. The audience member in question was a middle aged Scotswoman from Loch Loman. All throughout the show she provided hearty and regular laughs even to events that were mundane, such as picking up a hat.

However, there is a small amount of audience participation in the show where all that is required is gleaning the person’s name. The woman in question was asleep when first asked. She then said her name was Michael and then gave a response that word for word was Dan’s punch line. This didn’t faze Dan as he had a backup punch line. That bit of interaction finishes with Dan handing the audience member his half drunken bottle of Volvic. When the bottle was returned it was empty. She ended up donating ten pounds. Not bad for half a bottle of Volvic.

Pete

Edinburgh Day #4 - Easy Money

Today I received the following email from Mr Raha Ali Musa. It was marked urgent:

Greetings to you, I am Mr.Raha.Ali.Musa. the Account Manager of Late Mr.Morris Thompson in here in Burkina Faso. Recently I discovered a Dormant Account with a huge amount of Money Valued USD14,000,000.00 (Fourteen Million Dollars only) that belongs to one of our late Customer who died in a plane crash.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to Late Mr. Morris Thompson an American great industrialist and a resident of Alaska, who unfortunately lost his life in the plane crash of Alaska Airlines Flight 261 which crashed on January 31 2000,including his wife and only daughter. The fund has been dormant in his account With this Bank without any claim of the funds in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery of this development.

The Banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed for Ten years, it will be forfeited to the Bank treasury as an unclaimed bill.It is only a foreigner that can stand as a next of kin and It is upon this discovery that I decided to contact you to collaborate with you to pull out this dormant fund.

In order to avert this negative development, I on behalf of my trusted colleagues now seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to Our late Customer so that the fund will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary´s next of kin now that the bank is still expecting a next of kin or relative of the deceased ,Late Mr. Morris Thompson.

In fact we could have done this deal alone but because of our position in this country as civil servants, we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and that would eventually raise an eye brow on our side during the time of transfer since I still work in this bank, this is the actual reason why I required a second party or fellow who will assist me forward claims as the next of kin and also provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this fund, even an empty a/c can also serve for this purpose.

On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% as gratification for your assisting me, and the remaining 60% will be for me.

What I want from you is for you to act as the deceased next of kin. I have in my possession, all the necessary informations to successfully accomplish this operation. Bear in mind that this proposal is 100% risk free.Further Information will be given to you as soon as I receive your positive response. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your interest to enable us proceed.I await your Urgent Response.

I replied with the following email:

Dear Mr Raha Ali Musa,

Thank you very much for getting in touch and furnishing me with the information regarding the unfortunate demise of Mr Morris Thompson. But I have some information for you. Mr Morris Thompson (the great industrialist and resident of Alaska) was actually a distant cousin of mine and, as a result, I am his next of kin and am entitled to 100% of his wealth! Indeed, I was wondering why I hadn't seen him since 30th January 2000 - we'd just spent a family Christmas together in Skegness. Do you know Skegness, Mr Musa? It is very nice, you should definitely check it out next time you're over. Anyway, shut up about Skegness, it's beside the point. I am eternally grateful for you bringing this (horrific) event to my attention and I am willing to offer you a deal. I am proposing that I receive 60% of the money and you receive 40% as a gratification for helping me. How does this suit you, boy? Further information will be given to you as soon as I receive your positive response. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your interest to enable us to proceed. Details of your bank account would also be useful. Please bear in mind that this proposal is 100% risk free.

Yours,
Dan Smith (formerly Thompson, on my mother’s side)

I await his (urgent) response.

Dan

Edinburgh Day #3 - Toilet Troubles

We have now entered the third day in our Edinburgh flat. You probably know that already if you’ve read the title, which you have, so sorry about that. The flat on the whole is very nice. The only downside is the bathroom. The shower is less effective than pissing on yourself, the lock doesn’t work and the light is operated from outside. This means that a common occurrence when wanting the toilet is to walk up to the bathroom door, switch the light switch and open the door to find someone on the toilet in the dark.

Pete