Should old acquaintance be forgot? Yes.

I expect that you probably already know about Facebook. You probably even have an account. Like me you will probably have used it to spy on and mock other people. No? Well after this you will have.

One of the major drawbacks of Facebook is that you will inevitably, at some stage, rediscover a whole load of people from your past who now wish to be ‘friends’ with you again. Chances are they will not talk to you, or try to rekindle the friendship in any way. There will be an uncomfortable and indefinite silence between you. This is because you have literally nothing to say to them, apart from “So...a bit older, huh? How’s that working out?”

This is usually fine. You both simply serve the purpose of boosting each other’s friend count. You will never say anything meaningful to each other, but that’s okay because you both look better and more popular than you really are. Win-win, surely? Why not just accept all of these people and have one big silent reunion?

WRONG. First, you will be bombarded with invitations to moronic, occasionally amusing (but mostly moronic) groups and applications. I have 37 group invitations currently pending including “Lewis Hamilton: 2008 Grand Prix Champion”, “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” and (my personal favourite) “GET THAT BASTARD IAN HUNTLEY OFF FACEBOOK”, all of which past acquaintances have thoughtfully invited me to.

I also have 57 ‘other requests’ including challenges to find out what kind of animal/film character/car I am, how good a marriage partner/kisser/gangster I would be, and a whole bunch of invites to games and other bits of crap that I have no intention of playing. In return, I would like to invite them to play my own game that I made called “How much of a fucking wanker are you?” which simply consists of them looking at my screen and counting up how many crappy requests they’ve sent me.

But all this is water under the bridge. You can ignore it quite easily. What is so much more mysterious is the need these people have to continually keep everyone informed of their thoughts and feelings, however mundane/pathetic/embarrassing, via “status updates”. If you don’t know already, these are quick bulletins that sometimes appear in your general updates feed so you can keep an eye on how everyone is doing. Some people use these sparingly, simply to announce information that they think people might be interested in. Unfortunately it is also a great platform for idiots who wish to boast, fish for compliments or sympathy, bitch, whinge and otherwise bore people with their stupid thoughts.

The below example is taken from an old school friend over the last two months. I have not made any of it up or added anything. Names have been deleted for privacy, or changed for a bit of a laugh.

[name deleted] is so happy had best wkend with my gorgeous amazing Jamie - u rock my world buby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[name deleted] is so so happy...seeing my gorgeous Jamie Fuckwit this wkend!!!!!!! be in his arms by 5pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[name deleted] is dreaming of her Jamie buby bear xxxx
[name deleted] is happy for my sis-getting married - going to be gorgeous bride!
[name deleted] worked out i dnt even know who i am yet...must do that before nething else lol but know my best friend is GYM & POOL! lol
[name deleted] is exhausted after serious exercising day, but feel GREAT!!!
[name deleted] had fabulous friday night and got gr8 wkend ahead :)
[name deleted] does infact have a pretty gr8 bf even if not everything perfect :)
[name deleted] is confused bout guys lol - 2night and my wkend going 2 be gr8 fun, really looking 4ward to it :D
[name deleted] thankful for good friends mwah to uli bear and laura bear :D
[name deleted] reunions gallore over nxt few weeks yay
[name deleted] is happy and had fab wkend - love u baby xxx
[name deleted] doesn't know what 2 do any more :(
[name deleted] had quite the day, so tired now! SEEE MY GORGEOUS MAN IN LESS THAN 2 DAYS!!!! xxxx
[name deleted] feeling fat n frumpy :(
[name deleted] is looking at my beautiful roses and realising how in love i am :D
[name deleted] has the most amazing bf ever, had beautiful roses delivered today and yummy chocs :D i love Jamie Fuckwit :D
[name deleted] is crazy inlove with Jamie Fuckwit n wants to be his angel forever
[name deleted] is amazingly happy all thanks to her darling bf
[name deleted] is so happy and is totally in love with the most amazing man ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[name deleted] says Jamie is the most amazing loving gorgeous man ever to exist - love u always xx
[name deleted] is stressed at her flaming car! applying for teaching stuff and missing a certain some1 who is incredible and gorgeous and amazingly brilliant :D
[name deleted] believes Jamie is the most amazing man she has ever met and is never letting him go :D
[name deleted] is so happy due to Jamie Fuckwit!!!! mwah!!!!!
[name deleted] is an insured driver of 1.4 206!!!!!!!
[name deleted] is unbelievably happy due to some1 amazing
[name deleted] is SOOOO happy, had best weekend ever with the gorgeous yummy Jamie - official bf ;) lol
[name deleted] is so happy that my wkend is with Jamie!!! xxxxxxxxxx
[name deleted] is so happy as some1 amazing coming home early :D he knows who he is :D
[name deleted] is so happy, had gr8 gym sesh 44 km!!! oh and hey to the most gorgeous man in world - Jamie Fuckwit
[name deleted] wants to be loved and wanted

I particularly like the last one. I suppose we all do, really. In true Facebook spirit I have sent her an invite to my new application called “How much are you loved and wanted?”

Chris