Dan has now given himself the position of “Pete’s Wingman”. This basically means that he is on a constant search to set me up with a lady friend. He is quickly finding out that this is a thankless and fruitless task (because of my general contempt for the opposite sex and use of terms such as “lady friend”).
Dan’s club strategy is to talk and joke with a female and then pass her off onto me to start loving. This way any awkwardness or rejection is neatly handled by Dan and gives me the opportunity to chastise him for behaving in such a way (to make it look as though I am too cool to be trying desperately to talk to women). There have been many failures with this approach that are largely down to me. However, on engaging a young lady standing close to us wearing an obviously fake fur coat, the failure was all hers.
Dan’s opening joke backfired as follows:
Dan: “I like your coat. What animal is it made from?”
Lady: “It’s fake”.
Dan: “What kind of animal is a Fake?”
Lady: “No, it’s not real”.
Dan: “ Oh right it’s from a zoo then.”
Lady: “No it’s fake”
Dan: “Yeah you said. What kind of a mammal is a Fake?”
At which point she turned around and said to her friend “I think that guy just had a go at me for wearing fur”. I then became extremely protective of my semen. If any were to escape and inseminate her then I would receive an idiot baby.
Pete
Monday, 29 December 2008
Friday, 19 December 2008
How to insult someone safely (the non sequitur insult).
When I was 19 I discovered a great way to insult people who have power over you. At the time I worked for the KC Stadium in Hull in the presidential suit (I will let you in on a secret. No president ever visited that suit, only football managers and egotistical sponsors). Every drink I served was on the house and went to major sponsors and mangers/chairpersons of the respective clubs. I think one of the reasons I was given the job of working in that bar was that I was completely ignorant of who these people were (due to my general dislike of most sports) which meant that I never asked for autographs or acted like a cock.
Anyway, of all the people I came into contact with there was one type which was the worst, the sponsors. The reason for this was that they felt the need to exercise as much of their power as possible to highlight their own importance. They would always try to mock bar staff in order to make themselves look like they were in charge and were they big man. Due to the fact that I wore glasses and looked about 12 years of age a common directive I got was “Hey Harry Potter can I have a [shit drink]”. It wasn’t long before I got really fucked off with people abusing me in such an ignorant manner. What was I to do? If I was to say “Hey fuck you cunt!” I would be fired.
My solution was this. Whatever they would mock me with (or order me to do in a cock like fashion) I would come back with something that did not correlate with what they said at all. For example, after serving a couple of drinks I may have been met with something like “I bet you have never kissed a girl”. My response would be as follows “No, not on a Tuesday”. The other two bar staff would laugh to support the non sequitur and the dickhead would be left feeling like he misunderstood an awesome joke, rightly putting him in his idiot place. He could complain to whomever he liked. Repeating what was said wouldn’t place me in the wrong. It would only make him look drunk or like he had misheard.
You don’t need the support of others around you to enforce the non sequitur insult. The fact that you think you have won and laugh at them is enough to totally fuck them off. You can’t beat someone who thinks they have won. Insults require a mutual understanding of the dialogue for there to be a just winner. If you disrupt that and assume you are the winner then you win.
I will note that you need some correlation to the insult to win. If someone says “Mate you look like a dickhead” and you respond with “Yeah but cucumbers are green” you will look like a total douche. A good response in this situation is “Yeah but at least my forehead isn’t 15 inches in circumference [you then laugh at your joke]”.
Here are a list of examples:
Insult
“Why don’t you fuck off”
Response
“I would but I don’t really want to go Costa Rica [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Pete you are a complete turd”
Response
“That’s exactly what your Dad said 4 months ago [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Peter, if you don’t start arriving at work on time we may need to revisit your terms of employment”
Response
“That’s what I said to my gynaecologist [laugh at own joke]”.
Pete
Anyway, of all the people I came into contact with there was one type which was the worst, the sponsors. The reason for this was that they felt the need to exercise as much of their power as possible to highlight their own importance. They would always try to mock bar staff in order to make themselves look like they were in charge and were they big man. Due to the fact that I wore glasses and looked about 12 years of age a common directive I got was “Hey Harry Potter can I have a [shit drink]”. It wasn’t long before I got really fucked off with people abusing me in such an ignorant manner. What was I to do? If I was to say “Hey fuck you cunt!” I would be fired.
My solution was this. Whatever they would mock me with (or order me to do in a cock like fashion) I would come back with something that did not correlate with what they said at all. For example, after serving a couple of drinks I may have been met with something like “I bet you have never kissed a girl”. My response would be as follows “No, not on a Tuesday”. The other two bar staff would laugh to support the non sequitur and the dickhead would be left feeling like he misunderstood an awesome joke, rightly putting him in his idiot place. He could complain to whomever he liked. Repeating what was said wouldn’t place me in the wrong. It would only make him look drunk or like he had misheard.
You don’t need the support of others around you to enforce the non sequitur insult. The fact that you think you have won and laugh at them is enough to totally fuck them off. You can’t beat someone who thinks they have won. Insults require a mutual understanding of the dialogue for there to be a just winner. If you disrupt that and assume you are the winner then you win.
I will note that you need some correlation to the insult to win. If someone says “Mate you look like a dickhead” and you respond with “Yeah but cucumbers are green” you will look like a total douche. A good response in this situation is “Yeah but at least my forehead isn’t 15 inches in circumference [you then laugh at your joke]”.
Here are a list of examples:
Insult
“Why don’t you fuck off”
Response
“I would but I don’t really want to go Costa Rica [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Pete you are a complete turd”
Response
“That’s exactly what your Dad said 4 months ago [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Peter, if you don’t start arriving at work on time we may need to revisit your terms of employment”
Response
“That’s what I said to my gynaecologist [laugh at own joke]”.
Pete
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