I expect that you probably already know about Facebook. You probably even have an account. Like me you will probably have used it to spy on and mock other people. No? Well after this you will have.
One of the major drawbacks of Facebook is that you will inevitably, at some stage, rediscover a whole load of people from your past who now wish to be ‘friends’ with you again. Chances are they will not talk to you, or try to rekindle the friendship in any way. There will be an uncomfortable and indefinite silence between you. This is because you have literally nothing to say to them, apart from “So...a bit older, huh? How’s that working out?”
This is usually fine. You both simply serve the purpose of boosting each other’s friend count. You will never say anything meaningful to each other, but that’s okay because you both look better and more popular than you really are. Win-win, surely? Why not just accept all of these people and have one big silent reunion?
WRONG. First, you will be bombarded with invitations to moronic, occasionally amusing (but mostly moronic) groups and applications. I have 37 group invitations currently pending including “Lewis Hamilton: 2008 Grand Prix Champion”, “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” and (my personal favourite) “GET THAT BASTARD IAN HUNTLEY OFF FACEBOOK”, all of which past acquaintances have thoughtfully invited me to.
I also have 57 ‘other requests’ including challenges to find out what kind of animal/film character/car I am, how good a marriage partner/kisser/gangster I would be, and a whole bunch of invites to games and other bits of crap that I have no intention of playing. In return, I would like to invite them to play my own game that I made called “How much of a fucking wanker are you?” which simply consists of them looking at my screen and counting up how many crappy requests they’ve sent me.
But all this is water under the bridge. You can ignore it quite easily. What is so much more mysterious is the need these people have to continually keep everyone informed of their thoughts and feelings, however mundane/pathetic/embarrassing, via “status updates”. If you don’t know already, these are quick bulletins that sometimes appear in your general updates feed so you can keep an eye on how everyone is doing. Some people use these sparingly, simply to announce information that they think people might be interested in. Unfortunately it is also a great platform for idiots who wish to boast, fish for compliments or sympathy, bitch, whinge and otherwise bore people with their stupid thoughts.
The below example is taken from an old school friend over the last two months. I have not made any of it up or added anything. Names have been deleted for privacy, or changed for a bit of a laugh.
[name deleted] is so happy had best wkend with my gorgeous amazing Jamie - u rock my world buby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[name deleted] is so so happy...seeing my gorgeous Jamie Fuckwit this wkend!!!!!!! be in his arms by 5pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[name deleted] is dreaming of her Jamie buby bear xxxx
[name deleted] is happy for my sis-getting married - going to be gorgeous bride!
[name deleted] worked out i dnt even know who i am yet...must do that before nething else lol but know my best friend is GYM & POOL! lol
[name deleted] is exhausted after serious exercising day, but feel GREAT!!!
[name deleted] had fabulous friday night and got gr8 wkend ahead :)
[name deleted] does infact have a pretty gr8 bf even if not everything perfect :)
[name deleted] is confused bout guys lol - 2night and my wkend going 2 be gr8 fun, really looking 4ward to it :D
[name deleted] thankful for good friends mwah to uli bear and laura bear :D
[name deleted] reunions gallore over nxt few weeks yay
[name deleted] is happy and had fab wkend - love u baby xxx
[name deleted] doesn't know what 2 do any more :(
[name deleted] had quite the day, so tired now! SEEE MY GORGEOUS MAN IN LESS THAN 2 DAYS!!!! xxxx
[name deleted] feeling fat n frumpy :(
[name deleted] is looking at my beautiful roses and realising how in love i am :D
[name deleted] has the most amazing bf ever, had beautiful roses delivered today and yummy chocs :D i love Jamie Fuckwit :D
[name deleted] is crazy inlove with Jamie Fuckwit n wants to be his angel forever
[name deleted] is amazingly happy all thanks to her darling bf
[name deleted] is so happy and is totally in love with the most amazing man ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[name deleted] says Jamie is the most amazing loving gorgeous man ever to exist - love u always xx
[name deleted] is stressed at her flaming car! applying for teaching stuff and missing a certain some1 who is incredible and gorgeous and amazingly brilliant :D
[name deleted] believes Jamie is the most amazing man she has ever met and is never letting him go :D
[name deleted] is so happy due to Jamie Fuckwit!!!! mwah!!!!!
[name deleted] is an insured driver of 1.4 206!!!!!!!
[name deleted] is unbelievably happy due to some1 amazing
[name deleted] is SOOOO happy, had best weekend ever with the gorgeous yummy Jamie - official bf ;) lol
[name deleted] is so happy that my wkend is with Jamie!!! xxxxxxxxxx
[name deleted] is so happy as some1 amazing coming home early :D he knows who he is :D
[name deleted] is so happy, had gr8 gym sesh 44 km!!! oh and hey to the most gorgeous man in world - Jamie Fuckwit
[name deleted] wants to be loved and wanted
I particularly like the last one. I suppose we all do, really. In true Facebook spirit I have sent her an invite to my new application called “How much are you loved and wanted?”
Chris
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Saturday, 2 May 2009
Repidophilia
Garnier, the makers of skin products, have decided on a new paedophilic marketing campaign. Click here to view their latest advert in full. There is something about repeating the term "repido" and spraying white stuff on children's bodies that makes me feel, well, just uncomfortable.
Pete
Pete
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Toilet Troubles
I never usually have trouble with toilet management but recently I have slipped up twice to embarrassing effect. I was expecting company but needed a shower and a crap. I did my business, as I was bursting, but then realised that I could not flush because it would mess up the hot water. No worries. I will just put the lid down and flush after my shower. The problem was that I was in such a rush I forgot the flushing part. I was then asked by the young lady I was trying to woo why I had left my crap floating around the toilet.
The second time I was wondering what I could do with a bowl of Fruit and Fibre I was eating. The problem was that I had poured out of date milk on the usually refreshing cereal. I couldn't put it down the sink as the cereal would clog it up. I couldn't put it in the bin as I had just changed the bag and it would smell after a matter of hours. No problem, I will flush it down the toilet. If I had eaten it I would have ended up putting it in there anyway. So down it went. The flush dealt with it swiftly, or so I thought. I ended up being left with just the raisins at the bottom of the bowl. They looked like rabbit droppings through the water. I was alerted to this fact by the same visitor. I think she thinks I don't know how to use a toilet. She is right.
Pete
The second time I was wondering what I could do with a bowl of Fruit and Fibre I was eating. The problem was that I had poured out of date milk on the usually refreshing cereal. I couldn't put it down the sink as the cereal would clog it up. I couldn't put it in the bin as I had just changed the bag and it would smell after a matter of hours. No problem, I will flush it down the toilet. If I had eaten it I would have ended up putting it in there anyway. So down it went. The flush dealt with it swiftly, or so I thought. I ended up being left with just the raisins at the bottom of the bowl. They looked like rabbit droppings through the water. I was alerted to this fact by the same visitor. I think she thinks I don't know how to use a toilet. She is right.
Pete
Friday, 23 January 2009
The Friendship Test
A good way of finding out who your best friends are is to go through you friend list on Facebook and comment on their status updates with "I don't care". If you don't have a Facebook account then you might want to think about learning how to use your keyboard.
Those people who don't reject you as a friend are what I call "keepers". Do this around once a month and you will soon get down to the core keepers. This is unless you are are one of those pricks with more than 100 friends. Come on! You don't really know that many people.
Pete
Those people who don't reject you as a friend are what I call "keepers". Do this around once a month and you will soon get down to the core keepers. This is unless you are are one of those pricks with more than 100 friends. Come on! You don't really know that many people.
Pete
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
The PC Brigade
I used to be an avid PC gamer. I don't have much time to play games any more outside rare drunken sessions of The World of Warcraft with Dan. To my knowledge we are the first racist guild on WoW, only accepting a certain species of character. We thought our name of Strength Through Joy might get us in to trouble with Blizzard, the makers of the game, but since our racism is justly confined to the fictional species of the game world we are fine. Anyway, everyone knows that if you play as a Blood Elf you are a bell end.
Unfortunately not all games embrace the freedom of expression found in WoW. I was playing the "free form" game Fallout 3 a week ago and was bitterly disappointed with the world in which I found myself. The beauty of role play games is that you get to sculpt the character and world in which you live. When I played Mass Effect a number of months ago my character did no wrong and justly fought for the weak and innocent no matter the personal cost. In Fallout 3 I choose a darker path.
I generally go around killing anyone who upsets me or might have something of value on them. The beauty of the game is that you can kill anyone, even central characters, which changes what options you have in the future (a dead person won't be able to give you tasks and rewards but may have valuable items). There is a karma system that operates based on the decisions you make along the way. Even if my character cured aids, cancer and puppy death I still would not be halfway up that karma scale based on my current play.
In my pursuit of evil I picked the lock of a solder's house that I thought would have good weapons and money. I then stole everything inside of value and messed around with his furniture (there is no benefit to messing around with other peoples furniture in the game but as I already have explained I am evil this time). On investigating the last room in the house I came across something unexpected, a young child that had been adopted by the soldier. He made a shout and made a run for the door to the town. If he got out then I would have about 30 townspeople on my ass. My shotgun didn't need much aligning with the back of his head as he ran past. A child's life versus the stuff I had stolen was an easy decision to make. My shotgun rang out with the sound of child murder. To my surprise the child kept running. Another blast failed to down him. I then got out my flame thrower and cooked him for about 20 seconds. Still nothing. I then realised the situation. The makers of the game had made it impossible to kill children.
In Fallout 3 you can club in the head of a defenceless animal or murder an unarmed prostitute by beating her to death with a knuckle duster after having slept with her but you can't kill a child when he is about to snitch on you.
Pete
Unfortunately not all games embrace the freedom of expression found in WoW. I was playing the "free form" game Fallout 3 a week ago and was bitterly disappointed with the world in which I found myself. The beauty of role play games is that you get to sculpt the character and world in which you live. When I played Mass Effect a number of months ago my character did no wrong and justly fought for the weak and innocent no matter the personal cost. In Fallout 3 I choose a darker path.
I generally go around killing anyone who upsets me or might have something of value on them. The beauty of the game is that you can kill anyone, even central characters, which changes what options you have in the future (a dead person won't be able to give you tasks and rewards but may have valuable items). There is a karma system that operates based on the decisions you make along the way. Even if my character cured aids, cancer and puppy death I still would not be halfway up that karma scale based on my current play.
In my pursuit of evil I picked the lock of a solder's house that I thought would have good weapons and money. I then stole everything inside of value and messed around with his furniture (there is no benefit to messing around with other peoples furniture in the game but as I already have explained I am evil this time). On investigating the last room in the house I came across something unexpected, a young child that had been adopted by the soldier. He made a shout and made a run for the door to the town. If he got out then I would have about 30 townspeople on my ass. My shotgun didn't need much aligning with the back of his head as he ran past. A child's life versus the stuff I had stolen was an easy decision to make. My shotgun rang out with the sound of child murder. To my surprise the child kept running. Another blast failed to down him. I then got out my flame thrower and cooked him for about 20 seconds. Still nothing. I then realised the situation. The makers of the game had made it impossible to kill children.
In Fallout 3 you can club in the head of a defenceless animal or murder an unarmed prostitute by beating her to death with a knuckle duster after having slept with her but you can't kill a child when he is about to snitch on you.
Pete
Monday, 29 December 2008
Wingman Dan
Dan has now given himself the position of “Pete’s Wingman”. This basically means that he is on a constant search to set me up with a lady friend. He is quickly finding out that this is a thankless and fruitless task (because of my general contempt for the opposite sex and use of terms such as “lady friend”).
Dan’s club strategy is to talk and joke with a female and then pass her off onto me to start loving. This way any awkwardness or rejection is neatly handled by Dan and gives me the opportunity to chastise him for behaving in such a way (to make it look as though I am too cool to be trying desperately to talk to women). There have been many failures with this approach that are largely down to me. However, on engaging a young lady standing close to us wearing an obviously fake fur coat, the failure was all hers.
Dan’s opening joke backfired as follows:
Dan: “I like your coat. What animal is it made from?”
Lady: “It’s fake”.
Dan: “What kind of animal is a Fake?”
Lady: “No, it’s not real”.
Dan: “ Oh right it’s from a zoo then.”
Lady: “No it’s fake”
Dan: “Yeah you said. What kind of a mammal is a Fake?”
At which point she turned around and said to her friend “I think that guy just had a go at me for wearing fur”. I then became extremely protective of my semen. If any were to escape and inseminate her then I would receive an idiot baby.
Pete
Dan’s club strategy is to talk and joke with a female and then pass her off onto me to start loving. This way any awkwardness or rejection is neatly handled by Dan and gives me the opportunity to chastise him for behaving in such a way (to make it look as though I am too cool to be trying desperately to talk to women). There have been many failures with this approach that are largely down to me. However, on engaging a young lady standing close to us wearing an obviously fake fur coat, the failure was all hers.
Dan’s opening joke backfired as follows:
Dan: “I like your coat. What animal is it made from?”
Lady: “It’s fake”.
Dan: “What kind of animal is a Fake?”
Lady: “No, it’s not real”.
Dan: “ Oh right it’s from a zoo then.”
Lady: “No it’s fake”
Dan: “Yeah you said. What kind of a mammal is a Fake?”
At which point she turned around and said to her friend “I think that guy just had a go at me for wearing fur”. I then became extremely protective of my semen. If any were to escape and inseminate her then I would receive an idiot baby.
Pete
Friday, 19 December 2008
How to insult someone safely (the non sequitur insult).
When I was 19 I discovered a great way to insult people who have power over you. At the time I worked for the KC Stadium in Hull in the presidential suit (I will let you in on a secret. No president ever visited that suit, only football managers and egotistical sponsors). Every drink I served was on the house and went to major sponsors and mangers/chairpersons of the respective clubs. I think one of the reasons I was given the job of working in that bar was that I was completely ignorant of who these people were (due to my general dislike of most sports) which meant that I never asked for autographs or acted like a cock.
Anyway, of all the people I came into contact with there was one type which was the worst, the sponsors. The reason for this was that they felt the need to exercise as much of their power as possible to highlight their own importance. They would always try to mock bar staff in order to make themselves look like they were in charge and were they big man. Due to the fact that I wore glasses and looked about 12 years of age a common directive I got was “Hey Harry Potter can I have a [shit drink]”. It wasn’t long before I got really fucked off with people abusing me in such an ignorant manner. What was I to do? If I was to say “Hey fuck you cunt!” I would be fired.
My solution was this. Whatever they would mock me with (or order me to do in a cock like fashion) I would come back with something that did not correlate with what they said at all. For example, after serving a couple of drinks I may have been met with something like “I bet you have never kissed a girl”. My response would be as follows “No, not on a Tuesday”. The other two bar staff would laugh to support the non sequitur and the dickhead would be left feeling like he misunderstood an awesome joke, rightly putting him in his idiot place. He could complain to whomever he liked. Repeating what was said wouldn’t place me in the wrong. It would only make him look drunk or like he had misheard.
You don’t need the support of others around you to enforce the non sequitur insult. The fact that you think you have won and laugh at them is enough to totally fuck them off. You can’t beat someone who thinks they have won. Insults require a mutual understanding of the dialogue for there to be a just winner. If you disrupt that and assume you are the winner then you win.
I will note that you need some correlation to the insult to win. If someone says “Mate you look like a dickhead” and you respond with “Yeah but cucumbers are green” you will look like a total douche. A good response in this situation is “Yeah but at least my forehead isn’t 15 inches in circumference [you then laugh at your joke]”.
Here are a list of examples:
Insult
“Why don’t you fuck off”
Response
“I would but I don’t really want to go Costa Rica [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Pete you are a complete turd”
Response
“That’s exactly what your Dad said 4 months ago [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Peter, if you don’t start arriving at work on time we may need to revisit your terms of employment”
Response
“That’s what I said to my gynaecologist [laugh at own joke]”.
Pete
Anyway, of all the people I came into contact with there was one type which was the worst, the sponsors. The reason for this was that they felt the need to exercise as much of their power as possible to highlight their own importance. They would always try to mock bar staff in order to make themselves look like they were in charge and were they big man. Due to the fact that I wore glasses and looked about 12 years of age a common directive I got was “Hey Harry Potter can I have a [shit drink]”. It wasn’t long before I got really fucked off with people abusing me in such an ignorant manner. What was I to do? If I was to say “Hey fuck you cunt!” I would be fired.
My solution was this. Whatever they would mock me with (or order me to do in a cock like fashion) I would come back with something that did not correlate with what they said at all. For example, after serving a couple of drinks I may have been met with something like “I bet you have never kissed a girl”. My response would be as follows “No, not on a Tuesday”. The other two bar staff would laugh to support the non sequitur and the dickhead would be left feeling like he misunderstood an awesome joke, rightly putting him in his idiot place. He could complain to whomever he liked. Repeating what was said wouldn’t place me in the wrong. It would only make him look drunk or like he had misheard.
You don’t need the support of others around you to enforce the non sequitur insult. The fact that you think you have won and laugh at them is enough to totally fuck them off. You can’t beat someone who thinks they have won. Insults require a mutual understanding of the dialogue for there to be a just winner. If you disrupt that and assume you are the winner then you win.
I will note that you need some correlation to the insult to win. If someone says “Mate you look like a dickhead” and you respond with “Yeah but cucumbers are green” you will look like a total douche. A good response in this situation is “Yeah but at least my forehead isn’t 15 inches in circumference [you then laugh at your joke]”.
Here are a list of examples:
Insult
“Why don’t you fuck off”
Response
“I would but I don’t really want to go Costa Rica [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Pete you are a complete turd”
Response
“That’s exactly what your Dad said 4 months ago [laugh at own joke]”.
Insult
“Peter, if you don’t start arriving at work on time we may need to revisit your terms of employment”
Response
“That’s what I said to my gynaecologist [laugh at own joke]”.
Pete
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