One problem with doing a free comedy slot at a pub is that you inevitably get inebriated audience members. This can either be a good or a bad thing. Some drunk people will laugh at anything, some fall asleep or mock you. Today it was all. The audience member in question was a middle aged Scotswoman from Loch Loman. All throughout the show she provided hearty and regular laughs even to events that were mundane, such as picking up a hat.
However, there is a small amount of audience participation in the show where all that is required is gleaning the person’s name. The woman in question was asleep when first asked. She then said her name was Michael and then gave a response that word for word was Dan’s punch line. This didn’t faze Dan as he had a backup punch line. That bit of interaction finishes with Dan handing the audience member his half drunken bottle of Volvic. When the bottle was returned it was empty. She ended up donating ten pounds. Not bad for half a bottle of Volvic.
Pete
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Monday, 4 August 2008
Edinburgh Day #4 - Easy Money
Today I received the following email from Mr Raha Ali Musa. It was marked urgent:
Greetings to you, I am Mr.Raha.Ali.Musa. the Account Manager of Late Mr.Morris Thompson in here in Burkina Faso. Recently I discovered a Dormant Account with a huge amount of Money Valued USD14,000,000.00 (Fourteen Million Dollars only) that belongs to one of our late Customer who died in a plane crash.
During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to Late Mr. Morris Thompson an American great industrialist and a resident of Alaska, who unfortunately lost his life in the plane crash of Alaska Airlines Flight 261 which crashed on January 31 2000,including his wife and only daughter. The fund has been dormant in his account With this Bank without any claim of the funds in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery of this development.
The Banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed for Ten years, it will be forfeited to the Bank treasury as an unclaimed bill.It is only a foreigner that can stand as a next of kin and It is upon this discovery that I decided to contact you to collaborate with you to pull out this dormant fund.
In order to avert this negative development, I on behalf of my trusted colleagues now seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to Our late Customer so that the fund will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary´s next of kin now that the bank is still expecting a next of kin or relative of the deceased ,Late Mr. Morris Thompson.
In fact we could have done this deal alone but because of our position in this country as civil servants, we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and that would eventually raise an eye brow on our side during the time of transfer since I still work in this bank, this is the actual reason why I required a second party or fellow who will assist me forward claims as the next of kin and also provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this fund, even an empty a/c can also serve for this purpose.
On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% as gratification for your assisting me, and the remaining 60% will be for me.
What I want from you is for you to act as the deceased next of kin. I have in my possession, all the necessary informations to successfully accomplish this operation. Bear in mind that this proposal is 100% risk free.Further Information will be given to you as soon as I receive your positive response. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your interest to enable us proceed.I await your Urgent Response.
I replied with the following email:
Dear Mr Raha Ali Musa,
Thank you very much for getting in touch and furnishing me with the information regarding the unfortunate demise of Mr Morris Thompson. But I have some information for you. Mr Morris Thompson (the great industrialist and resident of Alaska) was actually a distant cousin of mine and, as a result, I am his next of kin and am entitled to 100% of his wealth! Indeed, I was wondering why I hadn't seen him since 30th January 2000 - we'd just spent a family Christmas together in Skegness. Do you know Skegness, Mr Musa? It is very nice, you should definitely check it out next time you're over. Anyway, shut up about Skegness, it's beside the point. I am eternally grateful for you bringing this (horrific) event to my attention and I am willing to offer you a deal. I am proposing that I receive 60% of the money and you receive 40% as a gratification for helping me. How does this suit you, boy? Further information will be given to you as soon as I receive your positive response. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your interest to enable us to proceed. Details of your bank account would also be useful. Please bear in mind that this proposal is 100% risk free.
Yours,
Dan Smith (formerly Thompson, on my mother’s side)
I await his (urgent) response.
Dan
Greetings to you, I am Mr.Raha.Ali.Musa. the Account Manager of Late Mr.Morris Thompson in here in Burkina Faso. Recently I discovered a Dormant Account with a huge amount of Money Valued USD14,000,000.00 (Fourteen Million Dollars only) that belongs to one of our late Customer who died in a plane crash.
During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to Late Mr. Morris Thompson an American great industrialist and a resident of Alaska, who unfortunately lost his life in the plane crash of Alaska Airlines Flight 261 which crashed on January 31 2000,including his wife and only daughter. The fund has been dormant in his account With this Bank without any claim of the funds in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery of this development.
The Banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed for Ten years, it will be forfeited to the Bank treasury as an unclaimed bill.It is only a foreigner that can stand as a next of kin and It is upon this discovery that I decided to contact you to collaborate with you to pull out this dormant fund.
In order to avert this negative development, I on behalf of my trusted colleagues now seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to Our late Customer so that the fund will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary´s next of kin now that the bank is still expecting a next of kin or relative of the deceased ,Late Mr. Morris Thompson.
In fact we could have done this deal alone but because of our position in this country as civil servants, we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and that would eventually raise an eye brow on our side during the time of transfer since I still work in this bank, this is the actual reason why I required a second party or fellow who will assist me forward claims as the next of kin and also provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this fund, even an empty a/c can also serve for this purpose.
On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% as gratification for your assisting me, and the remaining 60% will be for me.
What I want from you is for you to act as the deceased next of kin. I have in my possession, all the necessary informations to successfully accomplish this operation. Bear in mind that this proposal is 100% risk free.Further Information will be given to you as soon as I receive your positive response. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your interest to enable us proceed.I await your Urgent Response.
I replied with the following email:
Dear Mr Raha Ali Musa,
Thank you very much for getting in touch and furnishing me with the information regarding the unfortunate demise of Mr Morris Thompson. But I have some information for you. Mr Morris Thompson (the great industrialist and resident of Alaska) was actually a distant cousin of mine and, as a result, I am his next of kin and am entitled to 100% of his wealth! Indeed, I was wondering why I hadn't seen him since 30th January 2000 - we'd just spent a family Christmas together in Skegness. Do you know Skegness, Mr Musa? It is very nice, you should definitely check it out next time you're over. Anyway, shut up about Skegness, it's beside the point. I am eternally grateful for you bringing this (horrific) event to my attention and I am willing to offer you a deal. I am proposing that I receive 60% of the money and you receive 40% as a gratification for helping me. How does this suit you, boy? Further information will be given to you as soon as I receive your positive response. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your interest to enable us to proceed. Details of your bank account would also be useful. Please bear in mind that this proposal is 100% risk free.
Yours,
Dan Smith (formerly Thompson, on my mother’s side)
I await his (urgent) response.
Dan
Sunday, 3 August 2008
Edinburgh Day #3 - Toilet Troubles
We have now entered the third day in our Edinburgh flat. You probably know that already if you’ve read the title, which you have, so sorry about that. The flat on the whole is very nice. The only downside is the bathroom. The shower is less effective than pissing on yourself, the lock doesn’t work and the light is operated from outside. This means that a common occurrence when wanting the toilet is to walk up to the bathroom door, switch the light switch and open the door to find someone on the toilet in the dark.
Pete
Pete
Saturday, 2 August 2008
Edinburgh Day #2 - Ladma's Drink Problem
There are a number of props which we use in our act – including a bottle of Volvic, a juicebox, a copy of the Guardian and a can of Special Brew – which we couldn’t see the point carting up from Brighton and thus decided to buy them in Edinburgh. We didn’t think sourcing any of these products would be a problem. Particularly the can of Special Brew.
Anyway, for some stupid reason we’d left acquiring these props until the day of our opening show. The first three proved relatively easy but the Special Brew proved a stubborn mistress to conquer. Everywhere we tried refused us service – Sainsbury’s, Tescos, Scot Mid, Costcutters. Each one of us tried and each one of us failed. No I.D so no sale. But we’re 23-24 years old! So what if none of us have a driving license or had brought our passport, does that mean we’re not real people who should be able to enjoy a nice can of Special Brew like everyone else? Clearly it does.
As the time of our show approached we became increasingly worried. What if the Special Brew joke was the only good one in the show? What if the whole show fell flat because of its absence? In the end we decided to approach one of the many tramps festooned across the Edinburgh landscape. We explained our predicament to a young tramp with matted hair swept across his face and asked if we could buy his can of Special Brew for £5? After intially refusing us sale because of our lack of I.D, he eventually backed-down.
“Aye, sure,” he said before downing the rest of the can and handing it over. We thanked him and beat a hasty retreat to our venue.
As for the show, we were happy with our opening night. We got 8 people in which wasn’t bad and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Someone even donated a ten pound note! Although it was a Scottish note so it doesn’t really count. We got laughs consistently – despite the small turnout – and all the rewrites worked well. We did make a few mistakes and missed a few lines but, overall, we’re pretty happy with the first day. We’ve always known numbers were going to be the biggest problem so hopefully, if we keep up the flyering and the P.R, we’ll be able to build up a bit of momentum. We’ll just have to wait and see how the audience figures look mid-week.
Dan
Anyway, for some stupid reason we’d left acquiring these props until the day of our opening show. The first three proved relatively easy but the Special Brew proved a stubborn mistress to conquer. Everywhere we tried refused us service – Sainsbury’s, Tescos, Scot Mid, Costcutters. Each one of us tried and each one of us failed. No I.D so no sale. But we’re 23-24 years old! So what if none of us have a driving license or had brought our passport, does that mean we’re not real people who should be able to enjoy a nice can of Special Brew like everyone else? Clearly it does.
As the time of our show approached we became increasingly worried. What if the Special Brew joke was the only good one in the show? What if the whole show fell flat because of its absence? In the end we decided to approach one of the many tramps festooned across the Edinburgh landscape. We explained our predicament to a young tramp with matted hair swept across his face and asked if we could buy his can of Special Brew for £5? After intially refusing us sale because of our lack of I.D, he eventually backed-down.
“Aye, sure,” he said before downing the rest of the can and handing it over. We thanked him and beat a hasty retreat to our venue.
As for the show, we were happy with our opening night. We got 8 people in which wasn’t bad and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Someone even donated a ten pound note! Although it was a Scottish note so it doesn’t really count. We got laughs consistently – despite the small turnout – and all the rewrites worked well. We did make a few mistakes and missed a few lines but, overall, we’re pretty happy with the first day. We’ve always known numbers were going to be the biggest problem so hopefully, if we keep up the flyering and the P.R, we’ll be able to build up a bit of momentum. We’ll just have to wait and see how the audience figures look mid-week.
Dan
Friday, 1 August 2008
Edinburgh Day #1 – Ladma make a new friend
Today I was flyering our show for the first time and discovered, to some confusion, that I didn’t know as much about comedy as I thought I did. I don’t pretend to know very much mind you, having only been doing it for a couple of years. Still, you’re learning all the time and today was no exception.
The revelation itself came from an elderly lady who seemed to be in a spot of bother, shaking her head and muttering about something. I tend to be very reluctant to talk to people I don’t know, a barrier which she quickly overcame by suddenly launching into a fierce monologue about banks and everything bad about them.
“Do you know…” she spat, “I’ve been going to that same bank for a hundred years and they still ask me for ID? I mean, really! So of course I had to go all the way back and blah blah blah and they wouldn’t accept that so blah blah blah…”
As it happened, we shared a mutual hatred of banks and so I started to agree with everything she was saying. Until the conversion took a slightly odd turn.
“I hear some of them aren’t even based in the UK anymore. A lot of them have their headquarters in all sorts of places. Is it Barclays? – I think it’s Barclays – actually have their headquarters in Spain!” She thought for a moment and then cautiously intoned: “And you’ve got to be very careful about something like that.”
I had meant to suggest that I was simply uncomfortable with the general level of incompetence in high street banking staff, but now I found myself apparently teetering on the brink of a big racist whirlpool. If this woman had such negative feelings about the Spanish it was probably best not to bring up anything that might cause her to use the word ‘coloureds’. I decided to take a different tack and tell her about a positive experience that I had when banking, which was when I had to go in to do my bit in setting up a business account for Ladma. You see, when you have a personal bank account you are, in your bank's eyes, a kind of money generating livestock. You are part of the seething mass of plankton that feeds the banking whale, and you have no individual rights or identity. If you have a business account on the other hand, they greet you as if their whole lives had been completely pointless up until the time they finally got to meet you. The manager (who deals with the business accounts) would probably even give you a blowjob if you asked, although I haven’t tested this.
She then wanted to know of course, what my business was. I said that Ladma is a comedy group that I am part of and held up one of the flyers to show her. Before I continue I should add that we don’t really make money from what we do, we once won a competition for which we got some money and so we had to have somewhere to put it. Anyway, when I said that I was in a comedy group, her face suddenly lit up.
“Oh how exciting!” she cooed. As it turns out, she had spent her life in theatre as a singer and actress and all kinds of things, probably calling everyone ‘darling’, singing all the time, criticising other people and doing all the other things that hardcore thespians do. She also seemed to have quite strong views about comedy that were heartfelt, if not a little out-of-touch.
“I don’t care for a lot of these young comedians these days,” she said solemnly.
“There is a lot of rubbish out there,” I replied.
“I just can’t stand some of them. What do you think of that Stephen Fry?”
Judging from her face, she didn’t much care for Stephen Fry in particular. I gave a very neutral, noncommittal response to this and the conversation moved on. I actually quite like Stephen Fry, but I wasn’t about to cause a rift between us, particularly when we were otherwise getting on so well. She began to ask what sort of thing we did in our group and I said sketch comedy. I wanted to give her a point of reference that would be familiar, so I said “a bit like Monty Python”. She acknowledged this without approval, presumably because they also ranked among those other youngsters who had ruined comedy. She went on to enquire what else we did, so I said we did some music as well and I was responsible for that. She liked the sound of that very much.
“Oh how wonderful!” she beamed. “I expect you wear white face paint don’t you?”
She expected wrong. I replied in the negative.
“Ah…” she said, shaking her head. “Lazy!”
In our defence, we had no idea that we were supposed to wear white face paint. I can only say that we haven’t been doing this very long and we’re still complete amateurs in many respects. But are we also lazy?
"Yeah, we are a bit," I replied.
Chris
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